Day 17: Defeating Boredom
So in a previous post I know that I talked about not wanting to continue in the calling of being a programmer. And I still think that's 100% true. I don't want to continue being a programmer. But my problem now is being driven by still being a programmer.
The truth is I'm bored.
I hate the problems that I have to face sometimes as a programmer. No they're not problems of too little wage or the issues of being a wage slave or even some of the work. Some of the work is enjoyable in the same way solving a puzzle or figuring out a riddle is enjoyable. But it's not something I do everyday because it's fun. I do it because I want my paycheck. Something I know should be a driving factor (some would say, the only driving factor) but it's not enough, is it? I do this gig because it pays rather nicely. But I don't enjoy it every day. I don't go out of my way to complete my tasks, working for 12 hours a day doing it.
I can sit in front of this computer and make things up in my head and write them down for hours. But I can't seem to make up code in my head. I can visualize it. With the extreme amount of practice that I've put into coding I can make the visualizations take form in the code. I can structure my code. I can see the difference between good code and bad. But I have never produced something that I would consider to be great code.
I've looked at someone who can produce great code. I've seen them work. I remember watching in awe at it. And I thought that "Maybe one day I'll be that good." I realize now that I don't have the talent or the knack for it.
Let me try to explain it in a different way that might be a little more understandable.
Lets say for the last twelve years of my life I had been learning music. And lets say I went to school for it, I knew all these complex classical pieces and I could play them on the piano whenever I felt like it. But then I was brought into an orchestra. And I was asked to play a duel piano piece with accompaniment and I agreed. I was handed the piece and I memorized it and I played it well enough with my orchestra and perhaps the people in the audience heard it and thought it was good. And perhaps my orchestra heard it and thought I did ok, I mean.. this being my first time performing out of the academic standing, it was alright to not the best player in the world.
But I heard everyone else's performance.
I heard the other pianist, and how they blew away my performance with a real sense of passion. I heard the string accompaniment deliver emotional depth with every note. And when I look at it, I felt that performance was lacking.
"I'll just try harder." I said. And so I learned new piano songs. I learned new genres of songs. Maybe I learned how to play jazz piano and tried to really capture it. But my songs wouldn't have that life in them.
It's not a matter of just playing the notes. It's a matter of feeling the notes. And whether I'm talking about computer programming or playing a piano, the steps are all the same.
First there is memorization. You have to learn the scales and finger positions.
Second there is practice. It's where you take what you have memorized and you learn the movements, over and over and over and over.
Third there is application. Using what you have practiced to play full pieces, to play pieces that you love or have loved when you were younger.
Fourth there is creation. This is the step that I've been lacking. The step that seems to completely elude me whenever I try to type code. It's not that I can't create for myself, it's that even when working with a project that I made myself, the passion is not there. I become bored, I become lackluster. My thoughts wander, I meander about in my mind even though a part of me is screaming for my attention.
"This should be the fun part!" echoes in my brain like the thunderous bells in a church tower.
But it's not fun, is it? It's just me flexing my critical thinking and creativity and memory. I can be a decent programmer. But I'm not a great one. I'm not a person that derives pleasure from it. At least not enough to keep going. I'm not the pianist who pours his heart into every stroke of the keyboard.
After twelve years of study, after bending my brain this way and that in order to try to be that person, you can probably recognize that this is a tough realization for me.
So then what am I to do exactly? How is it that I'm suppose to solve this problem? I have a contract that is to last another 2 months. I have to be faithful to that. And yet I still, I am bored and tired of the job that I have. Regardless of pay, I have to finish it.
How do I defeat boredom? How do I defeat the wall in my brain that's screaming at me to put down the keyboard and do something else. If I had never received encouragement about my writing, would I still be able to sit in a cube and type my life away, collecting paycheck after paycheck without even a second thought about it.
Who wins in the fight between doing what you love and doing what gets you paid? I realize that in the ideal world, we get both. Or even in the unideal world -some- people get both. But as I stand here right now I have a terrible decision to make. I have to pick between something that is helping me pay off my debts and get money back in my pocket. And something that I love doing, that makes me happy, that helps me not feel so depressed.
How do I defeat boredom?
The truth is I'm bored.
I hate the problems that I have to face sometimes as a programmer. No they're not problems of too little wage or the issues of being a wage slave or even some of the work. Some of the work is enjoyable in the same way solving a puzzle or figuring out a riddle is enjoyable. But it's not something I do everyday because it's fun. I do it because I want my paycheck. Something I know should be a driving factor (some would say, the only driving factor) but it's not enough, is it? I do this gig because it pays rather nicely. But I don't enjoy it every day. I don't go out of my way to complete my tasks, working for 12 hours a day doing it.
I can sit in front of this computer and make things up in my head and write them down for hours. But I can't seem to make up code in my head. I can visualize it. With the extreme amount of practice that I've put into coding I can make the visualizations take form in the code. I can structure my code. I can see the difference between good code and bad. But I have never produced something that I would consider to be great code.
I've looked at someone who can produce great code. I've seen them work. I remember watching in awe at it. And I thought that "Maybe one day I'll be that good." I realize now that I don't have the talent or the knack for it.
Let me try to explain it in a different way that might be a little more understandable.
Lets say for the last twelve years of my life I had been learning music. And lets say I went to school for it, I knew all these complex classical pieces and I could play them on the piano whenever I felt like it. But then I was brought into an orchestra. And I was asked to play a duel piano piece with accompaniment and I agreed. I was handed the piece and I memorized it and I played it well enough with my orchestra and perhaps the people in the audience heard it and thought it was good. And perhaps my orchestra heard it and thought I did ok, I mean.. this being my first time performing out of the academic standing, it was alright to not the best player in the world.
But I heard everyone else's performance.
I heard the other pianist, and how they blew away my performance with a real sense of passion. I heard the string accompaniment deliver emotional depth with every note. And when I look at it, I felt that performance was lacking.
"I'll just try harder." I said. And so I learned new piano songs. I learned new genres of songs. Maybe I learned how to play jazz piano and tried to really capture it. But my songs wouldn't have that life in them.
It's not a matter of just playing the notes. It's a matter of feeling the notes. And whether I'm talking about computer programming or playing a piano, the steps are all the same.
First there is memorization. You have to learn the scales and finger positions.
Second there is practice. It's where you take what you have memorized and you learn the movements, over and over and over and over.
Third there is application. Using what you have practiced to play full pieces, to play pieces that you love or have loved when you were younger.
Fourth there is creation. This is the step that I've been lacking. The step that seems to completely elude me whenever I try to type code. It's not that I can't create for myself, it's that even when working with a project that I made myself, the passion is not there. I become bored, I become lackluster. My thoughts wander, I meander about in my mind even though a part of me is screaming for my attention.
"This should be the fun part!" echoes in my brain like the thunderous bells in a church tower.
But it's not fun, is it? It's just me flexing my critical thinking and creativity and memory. I can be a decent programmer. But I'm not a great one. I'm not a person that derives pleasure from it. At least not enough to keep going. I'm not the pianist who pours his heart into every stroke of the keyboard.
After twelve years of study, after bending my brain this way and that in order to try to be that person, you can probably recognize that this is a tough realization for me.
So then what am I to do exactly? How is it that I'm suppose to solve this problem? I have a contract that is to last another 2 months. I have to be faithful to that. And yet I still, I am bored and tired of the job that I have. Regardless of pay, I have to finish it.
How do I defeat boredom? How do I defeat the wall in my brain that's screaming at me to put down the keyboard and do something else. If I had never received encouragement about my writing, would I still be able to sit in a cube and type my life away, collecting paycheck after paycheck without even a second thought about it.
Who wins in the fight between doing what you love and doing what gets you paid? I realize that in the ideal world, we get both. Or even in the unideal world -some- people get both. But as I stand here right now I have a terrible decision to make. I have to pick between something that is helping me pay off my debts and get money back in my pocket. And something that I love doing, that makes me happy, that helps me not feel so depressed.
How do I defeat boredom?
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